Thank you so much for writing this. It’s one of my biggest sources of guilt. What really gets me is my kids whining at me all day long...”mom, can you play?” I totally agree with the play-date strategy. I also think adults need time for their own play too, whatever that may be. More play is good, but playing dinosaurs or ice cream shop or saber tooth tiger is not my idea of play 😆
Thank you for reading! Haha yep, that whining is insufferable! I think it’s okay that our kids learn that we are busy and have responsibilities. I love Hayley’s idea in the comment above about how she gives her kids a choice of the things she will play with them. But also a lot of the time you just can’t because you’re busy and in my opinion letting them be bored and figure stuff out themselves probably does more good than harm. And totally agree that we need to play too! That’s why I’m off at 5am tomorrow to surf 😉
I’m very glad that there ended up being a ten year gap between my two. When my eldest was born there wasn’t quite this pressure yet — social media was in its infancy when he was. So when my youngest came around ten years later I knew I didn’t need most of this kind of thing because my eldest hadn’t.
The classes are particularly new. So with my first we attended the odd ‘mums & tots’ group in a church hall, the purpose of which was for mums to sit down and have a bit of adult conversation and a cup of tea while our babies were palmed off for twenty mins with a few second-hand toys. It wasn’t meant for the babies but for the mums. These kinds of thing usually cost about £1 for the session.
By the time my second came along, baby classes were big business. £5,£6, even £10 for some sessions. Messy play. Sensory play. Musical play. And so on. And _all_ aimed at the babies. Mums barely got chance to chat let alone have a brew. In one of the classes we were even discouraged from chatting as our babies needed us to be on the floor with them at all times. Lonelier, and expensive, for new mums, now.
So interesting that you've had both experiences. And I love that when you had your first it was focused on the mums. You're so right, in the classes these days your full focus is meant to be on your baby so it doesn't end up being that social at all. New mums are the ones that need the socialisation far more than the babies! Thank you for sharing your experience x
I loved reading this Tansie and I absolutely relate on every level. I feel a sense of small-scale dread when one of my children asks me to play, I just don’t find it fun and I can also see that their play world is such a different entity to my reality. I love connecting with them in different ways, chatting, crafting and reading and like you said, I always make sure I’m there for the emotional support that is so often required. Also I often don’t have the time and would much rather try to involve them in something I am doing (with varying levels of success/frustration!) and yes to our own play, joyful practices is something I am prioritising this year, so important and for the little ones see you/hear about something you enjoy too, everyone is a winner! xx
Yes! So true Lyndsay, making it so everyone is the winner! I consider myself quite a playful person, but I just can’t properly fit in to their world of play.
Haha and yes, feel you on the varying levels of success/frustration!
Doesn’t need saying but this is all so true, thanks for putting it out there! I love the reminder of how and when you are connecting with them. I feel so bad on those days where I just need to get shit done and can’t be 100% available the whole time, but you’re right, it’s not as if I’m not available when it matters. Working closely on separate lego projects is such a good tip, I do this with playdoh (it’s like my therapy, I love it) but always say yes to hands-on help with lego and it ends in pure rage on both sides for getting it wrong. So glad it’s not just my stroppy kid who says this too!
It’s the diggers and cars for me too. I wish they would do things I want to do like colouring in and painting and sometimes they do but they have too much energy and their attention spans too short that a relaxing activity never stays like that for long.
I think now I can take them to toddler groups I feel like I am trying to let them go off okay with other kids it is a skill they need to learn! I hover near by incase some one gets punched (often) but I really want them to play without me. That is my goal and so many other parents do it. It should be the norm!
I said to a lady last week she said she felt guilty when she didn’t play with her son at the group and I was like I don’t feel guilty at all: I play with them enough already 😂 but either way working mums who maybe don’t play as often shouldn’t feel guilty about letting them off the lead. It’s a good thing that they can play independently and with others.
I know all about that energy! And I’m with you in not feeling guilty for not playing with them at a playgroup! That is exactly when they are meant to be being social with other kids. But also at this young age you often do have to keep an eye on things and be a referee for the inevitable punch ups! What worked for me also was finding the kids my kids really gelled with and fostering those relationships as much as possible.
Oh my God, Tansie, YES! I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm an older mum that I just don't have the energy or inclination to get on the ground and play with my kids, so it's such a relief to read that it's not because I'm old, it's because I'm an adult! A busy adult with stuff going on! I laughed out loud when I read that you don't have time to spend the whole morning pretending to be a duck! 😂 Me neither! Thanks so much for writing this. I've never wanted for my disinterest in playing with my kids to be witnessed, but now I feel happy to be seen. 🙏
Ah I’m so glad you’re happy to be seen now! I don’t think it has anything to do with age really, more just stage of life. And once your a mum your to do list never ends. I just adore the article by Peter Gray, it made me feel so seen! I’m an adult, I have responsibilities and that’s okay! And it’s made me reflect on how much I actually do with my kids, but what my limits are.
Thank you for this. My son is almost two and not quite playing in a way where he wants me to be involved. But I try to focus on creating opportunities for him to play with other kids and try new things, so it isn’t all on me. I also think play is so unique to the child. My son saw a mess on the floor and cleaned it up without being asked, in his own way he was playing. It’s not all about sitting on the floor and doing a certain thing!
Totally agree with you that play is unique to the child and what play looks like for them doesn’t have to be typical. That age is so special, they just want you next to them while they knock stuff over! Yep, creating space for my boys to be around other kids with the security of having me around is one of the best things I think I’ve done for them.
Yes! It has taken me a while to get there but I have finally made a list (in my head) of things I enjoy playing. Lego, building, painting, puzzles and we do lots of reading. I can’t play cars, it’s not my thing! I still feel moments of play together are important but not constantly and on demand. When they ask to play and I have 10 minutes or so to do I say yes and give them a list of options that I’m willing to do. I find this has meant I’m more engaged, present and enjoying the time! As adults we have a different way of playing so we can often influence and alter a child’s game so it’s so important for them to have many moments of individual play, playing with other children and boredom!! You are so right that connection doesn’t come from just play, it’s comes from the gazillion other things we also do as mums with and for our kids!
Yes to all of this! I love the idea about having a list of options of things to play that you will happily do with them. And 10 minutes of enjoyable play for all of you here and there is amazing. I also agree that boredom is a super important thing for them, thinking of writing a post on that topic also. Thanks for reading x
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s one of my biggest sources of guilt. What really gets me is my kids whining at me all day long...”mom, can you play?” I totally agree with the play-date strategy. I also think adults need time for their own play too, whatever that may be. More play is good, but playing dinosaurs or ice cream shop or saber tooth tiger is not my idea of play 😆
Thank you for reading! Haha yep, that whining is insufferable! I think it’s okay that our kids learn that we are busy and have responsibilities. I love Hayley’s idea in the comment above about how she gives her kids a choice of the things she will play with them. But also a lot of the time you just can’t because you’re busy and in my opinion letting them be bored and figure stuff out themselves probably does more good than harm. And totally agree that we need to play too! That’s why I’m off at 5am tomorrow to surf 😉
I’m very glad that there ended up being a ten year gap between my two. When my eldest was born there wasn’t quite this pressure yet — social media was in its infancy when he was. So when my youngest came around ten years later I knew I didn’t need most of this kind of thing because my eldest hadn’t.
The classes are particularly new. So with my first we attended the odd ‘mums & tots’ group in a church hall, the purpose of which was for mums to sit down and have a bit of adult conversation and a cup of tea while our babies were palmed off for twenty mins with a few second-hand toys. It wasn’t meant for the babies but for the mums. These kinds of thing usually cost about £1 for the session.
By the time my second came along, baby classes were big business. £5,£6, even £10 for some sessions. Messy play. Sensory play. Musical play. And so on. And _all_ aimed at the babies. Mums barely got chance to chat let alone have a brew. In one of the classes we were even discouraged from chatting as our babies needed us to be on the floor with them at all times. Lonelier, and expensive, for new mums, now.
So interesting that you've had both experiences. And I love that when you had your first it was focused on the mums. You're so right, in the classes these days your full focus is meant to be on your baby so it doesn't end up being that social at all. New mums are the ones that need the socialisation far more than the babies! Thank you for sharing your experience x
I can totally relate to this!
Aaaaand breathe out!!
Thank you for this much needed message, for me and I’m sure countless others 💚
I loved reading this Tansie and I absolutely relate on every level. I feel a sense of small-scale dread when one of my children asks me to play, I just don’t find it fun and I can also see that their play world is such a different entity to my reality. I love connecting with them in different ways, chatting, crafting and reading and like you said, I always make sure I’m there for the emotional support that is so often required. Also I often don’t have the time and would much rather try to involve them in something I am doing (with varying levels of success/frustration!) and yes to our own play, joyful practices is something I am prioritising this year, so important and for the little ones see you/hear about something you enjoy too, everyone is a winner! xx
Yes! So true Lyndsay, making it so everyone is the winner! I consider myself quite a playful person, but I just can’t properly fit in to their world of play.
Haha and yes, feel you on the varying levels of success/frustration!
Doesn’t need saying but this is all so true, thanks for putting it out there! I love the reminder of how and when you are connecting with them. I feel so bad on those days where I just need to get shit done and can’t be 100% available the whole time, but you’re right, it’s not as if I’m not available when it matters. Working closely on separate lego projects is such a good tip, I do this with playdoh (it’s like my therapy, I love it) but always say yes to hands-on help with lego and it ends in pure rage on both sides for getting it wrong. So glad it’s not just my stroppy kid who says this too!
Oh you’ve reminded me to make some play dough! I love playing with it too! Definitely not just your kid who can’t deal!
Yes, writing this was a good reminder to myself of how much time I am actually connected with them through each day but in the little things. X
Have saved it!
Dying to come back to read this!!
Gosh Tansie I so relate to this too!
It’s the diggers and cars for me too. I wish they would do things I want to do like colouring in and painting and sometimes they do but they have too much energy and their attention spans too short that a relaxing activity never stays like that for long.
I think now I can take them to toddler groups I feel like I am trying to let them go off okay with other kids it is a skill they need to learn! I hover near by incase some one gets punched (often) but I really want them to play without me. That is my goal and so many other parents do it. It should be the norm!
I said to a lady last week she said she felt guilty when she didn’t play with her son at the group and I was like I don’t feel guilty at all: I play with them enough already 😂 but either way working mums who maybe don’t play as often shouldn’t feel guilty about letting them off the lead. It’s a good thing that they can play independently and with others.
I know all about that energy! And I’m with you in not feeling guilty for not playing with them at a playgroup! That is exactly when they are meant to be being social with other kids. But also at this young age you often do have to keep an eye on things and be a referee for the inevitable punch ups! What worked for me also was finding the kids my kids really gelled with and fostering those relationships as much as possible.
Oh my God, Tansie, YES! I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm an older mum that I just don't have the energy or inclination to get on the ground and play with my kids, so it's such a relief to read that it's not because I'm old, it's because I'm an adult! A busy adult with stuff going on! I laughed out loud when I read that you don't have time to spend the whole morning pretending to be a duck! 😂 Me neither! Thanks so much for writing this. I've never wanted for my disinterest in playing with my kids to be witnessed, but now I feel happy to be seen. 🙏
Ah I’m so glad you’re happy to be seen now! I don’t think it has anything to do with age really, more just stage of life. And once your a mum your to do list never ends. I just adore the article by Peter Gray, it made me feel so seen! I’m an adult, I have responsibilities and that’s okay! And it’s made me reflect on how much I actually do with my kids, but what my limits are.
Thank you for this. My son is almost two and not quite playing in a way where he wants me to be involved. But I try to focus on creating opportunities for him to play with other kids and try new things, so it isn’t all on me. I also think play is so unique to the child. My son saw a mess on the floor and cleaned it up without being asked, in his own way he was playing. It’s not all about sitting on the floor and doing a certain thing!
Totally agree with you that play is unique to the child and what play looks like for them doesn’t have to be typical. That age is so special, they just want you next to them while they knock stuff over! Yep, creating space for my boys to be around other kids with the security of having me around is one of the best things I think I’ve done for them.
Yes! It has taken me a while to get there but I have finally made a list (in my head) of things I enjoy playing. Lego, building, painting, puzzles and we do lots of reading. I can’t play cars, it’s not my thing! I still feel moments of play together are important but not constantly and on demand. When they ask to play and I have 10 minutes or so to do I say yes and give them a list of options that I’m willing to do. I find this has meant I’m more engaged, present and enjoying the time! As adults we have a different way of playing so we can often influence and alter a child’s game so it’s so important for them to have many moments of individual play, playing with other children and boredom!! You are so right that connection doesn’t come from just play, it’s comes from the gazillion other things we also do as mums with and for our kids!
Love your writing as always ❤️
Yes to all of this! I love the idea about having a list of options of things to play that you will happily do with them. And 10 minutes of enjoyable play for all of you here and there is amazing. I also agree that boredom is a super important thing for them, thinking of writing a post on that topic also. Thanks for reading x