Hi friends,
I have decided to do a little experimenting here. I’m starting a series of short notes documenting the small changes in everyday life that propel me into a new season of motherhood. Our Seasons will be a place to put all the small moments of change that don’t warrant a long post. I hope you enjoy the little insights Our Seasons will offer and that they may help you reflect on your own seasons and just how often they change in this time of life.
Tansie xx
As Sonny’s voice rose to a high pitch, face uncontrollably red he let out an ear-piercing scream, throwing himself on the ground. His waffle cone was too small. This was when I knew I had pushed him too far. This sweet little boy of mine in his third uncontrollable rage of the day was a direct result of me overlooking his needs for the sake of logistics.
Two weeks ago we left our home in Lombok for a five-week trip back to Australia to visit family and friends. Because we booked last minute and my parents had already booked a trip over east, this left me with their car and nine days to fill. And fill I did. I decided this was the perfect time to see all of the friends we could so that by the time my parents returned we could focus on family time.
I had the first 8 days completely booked out. We would be staying at 5 different houses in 5 different areas, catching a ferry to a small island for 2 days, driving down the coast and back up again to places hours away (Western Australia is large).
I planned this with only efficiency in mind. How many people I could see and catch up with in the short time I had. I filled every minute, completely forgetting about the fact I had two young children and that one of them in particular struggles with transitions and gets overwhelmed with too much social time.
As the week unfolded my youngest kept us from sleep with teething, mystery burns, splinters, and a myriad of cuts and scrapes. My oldest son’s tantrums became more intense until on day seven he completely lost it. He was utterly overwhelmed by the lack of sleep, routine, the places we had been and the people he was expected to interact with. But embarrassingly it had not been Sonny’s being overwhelmed that led us to cut our time with friends short, instead, it was the sudden arrival of Sylver’s contagious school sores that prompted me to return to my parent’s empty house a day early.
Back to our initial meltdown (in more ways than one), Sonny started to calm down as he crawled into my lap and I held him while we sat in the middle of the pathway to the ice cream store. Too overwhelmed to eat his ice cream, It lay melting on the path beside us. I felt a surge of guilt overcome me. It was not the kind of guilt that holds you down for long, but instead, the kind that leads to self-reflection.
I have had almost four years to get to know my oldest son (more if we count time in the womb where I felt I got a pretty good idea of his personality). Some of these things include his absolute need to feel in control, his struggle with transitions, his discomfort in large group situations and his need for alone time to retreat into his world of imaginary play. Incidentally, these are all things I also need which makes it all the more puzzling why I had spent a week ignoring these cues.
I seem to have a strong internal driving force that keeps me constantly moving and disregarding my own needs until I burn out. I have always considered myself rather adaptable but now with the mirror of my first child held up in front of me so many things about myself become clearer. I need calmness, just like my son, far more than I realise. When I feel I am thriving in the chaos of back to back activities and plans, I am actually one step away from a breakdown.
The funny thing is that children are immensely unpredictable themselves, but seem to love routine. To control everything around a child is to restrict the possibility for growth. But finding the sweet spot between a controlled environment to help nurture the nervous system and letting them experience the unpredictability of life is hard because the mark is always changing.
I am finding lately in Sonny, a constant mirror of myself. Seeing the habits I have formed along the way that do not in fact serve me and seeing this as an invitation for myself to slow down. To think about the needs of my nervous system, just as I look at the needs of my children’s nervous system and plan accordingly. Growing and experimenting with new things won’t happen when we are completely dysregulated. Then we will crave only what is known and safe.
As we have spent the last week in a calm and safe space, only venturing down the street to the beach or skate park for small trips once a day, and once to a friend’s house I have watched Sonny more at peace, as I’ve seen the same in myself. He still has his explosions as little kids do, but as I’ve been able to limit his transitions, life has been more peaceful for all of us.
We are not always able to live slowly, certain things that must be done at certain times. Last-minute beach trips or playdates, things that give life excitement and flavour. But for the most part, this has been one more lesson in slowing down, to try and fill our days with as little as possible instead of as much so that when the unexpected arises our nervous systems are regulated enough to embrace the change with excitement and fun. This is the season of less.
Join me in the comments and let me know if you have trouble with sticking to routines or slowing down. Do you find what you thrive on is not what your kids thrive on?
I experience this exact same problem, Tansie, in my efforts to constantly make life interesting. During our trip to the UK last summer, we drove all around England, Wales and Scotland, strapping the kids into the car for long journeys every few days, and expecting them to be excited about each new destination. After breakfast one day we told them we were heading out to the London Zoo, and they both burst into tears... It was all just too much! They just wanted to stay home and play quietly! There really can be too much of a good thing, for our little ones and for us grown-ups. I love the idea of filling our days with as little as possible, and enjoying the season of less. Beautiful. 💕
Oh I love these seasons notes! I just read this one and then the first one, such a beautiful way to honour each discovery and shift within your children and yourself, especially because it all moves so fast and yet each is so significant. Just beautiful ❤️