two boys nineteen months apart is quite the feat. To the mothers out there who do it in even less time than that, you amaze me. Having a child, or multiple children with any spacing comes with its own challenges and difficulties. For me, it’s come with some big ones. My first child never slept, therefore I never slept. My second child slept a bit better, but when he came my first child still wasn’t sleeping so, still not a lot of sleep. Some days I functioned well on a broken 4 hours of sleep. Some days I walked around like a zombie. My husband worked fifo (fly in fly out) so I was alone for a large majority of the time. I was happy for a while to throw myself into motherhood, knowing that that was all I could do in this season of my life, and also that it was all I wanted to do. Occasionally I would hit a sweet spot for a few weeks where I found some time to do a small amount of crafting or exercise a bit more regularly. But with my young children, their seasons were short-lived and their needs grew and changed often.
Just over a year ago, I started this substack. I was so excited to get back to writing. I was in one of those sweet spots where I found a tiny bit of time to spare. I wrote three posts within a month and then just like clockwork things changed and there was no longer time to prioritise writing.
Whenever I looked on social media I would see posts and pictures by mothers with young children like mine who were doing beautiful creative things and writing about how you need to create time, that if you are truly passionate about something you will find the energy for it. There is so much out there in the online world of motherhood that tells you you need to put yourself first. You NEED to keep creating or working out or doing the things you love to stay sane, to stay true to yourself. And while I don’t disagree with these things, I realise that for so many mothers it is just not realistic.
So this post is for mothers who are struggling to find that time. The ones (me) to whom the idea of having an hour-long bath with candles to unwind once the kids are in bed is a ridiculous notion because their kids didn’t go to bed until 10 pm and the kitchen still has to be cleaned because there is no one else to do it and if you don’t do it tonight you’ll wake up to it tomorrow when you’re exhausted from only having 4 hours of broken sleep and then that will start your day in misery. You catch my drift.
One thing I’ve learned on my relatively short journey into motherhood is that everyone’s circumstances are so different.
To some mothers who have good support networks in place, there is the possibility to romanticise and follow passions while children are young, to ‘dust if you must’. For others, things are a little more complicated and dishes and laundry do need to be done within a certain time by you if you want yourself and your children to wear clean clothing.
I know some mothers have worked really hard to get themselves into a good financial position before having kids. Some have married very supportive men. Some have been walked out on unexpectedly and some have had to walk out. Some (like me) spent their 20’s galavanting carefree around the globe accumulating no life savings until an unexpected surprise came into their lives.
I remember once reading about a woman's advice on self-care after she had had a baby. When she put the baby down for a nap she put a timer on for 20 minutes to do chores and when that time was up she used the rest of nap time for self-care time. I remember at the time thinking how removed from my world that was. My child would barely nap for 20 minutes at a time and I had to frantically run around doing everything that was impossible to do with a baby on my hip.
I noticed after a while that so often the advice being put out there by mothers was advice from the kind of mother who had time to sit down and write advice! Therefore it did not really relate to me at all and any attempt from me to follow it ended up in disappointment and feeling like I was a failure, after all, they could do it and they had kids, why couldn’t I?
I have now entered a stage in my life where I do have time to write and share my experiences of what works for me. For those who don’t know, we have recently relocated to Lombok, Indonesia. It's a place that has been a home to both Matt and I over the years and we moved in the hope of finding a better life balance where we could spend more time together as a family, and as individuals. Matt still works away, but now for longer stints less often. And while he is away I can afford to pay for support so that I am not so alone with managing a house and kids while he is gone. Not having to deal with the bulk of the housework anymore has done wonders for my burnout. As has Sonny attending a jungle preschool 3 half days a week and Sylver going to an unofficial beach play group with our beautiful nanny Pia (who I have known since she was a baby). Pia has the youthful energy of a 19 yr old to play in a way I often can’t (as Sylver still won’t let me sleep through the night).
Even with this support, I was finding it so hard to make time for myself. When I first moved here I had visions of doing Yoga three times a week, surfing at least twice a week and working out most days. Along with playing with the kids more and spending quality time with my husband. Turns out, having two young kids is still having two young kids no matter where you are. And those dreams vanished rather quickly.
I was having a conversation with my mum a few months ago (always the voice of reason.) Who had come over along with my dad for a short visit while my husband was back in Australia working. I was complaining about having no time to myself to do anything for me. She asked simply: what would you do if you did have time?
If I did have time I would read for hours on end. I would wake up in the pre-dawn and write to candlelight, sip tea in peace. I would pick up my embroidery bag and craft. I would surf whenever the tide and winds were right, do yoga, work out, and go for long walks to unexplored beaches.
But those things, I told myself, don’t factor in two boys under four. Her words however were enough (as they were intended) to get me thinking. And it eventually led me to the idea of Six Small Things.
How can I, amongst the chaos of motherhood make time for the things I love?
Well, I had to start small. A cup of tea in peace, I could do that. Writing by candlelight? Well, maybe not a novel but I could start to journal again. I made a list of 6 things that would take me less than 10 minutes.
A cup of tea in peace - 5 minutes
Journaling - 5-10 minutes
Workout - 10 minutes
Reading ( a book not a phone article) - 10 minutes
Yoga - 5-10 minutes
Meditation - 10 minutes
All of these things tallied up to almost an hour. And looked daunting to begin with. But that is when I started grouping them.
A cup of tea in silence could be drunk while journaling. Turning 15 minutes into 10.
Reading could be done just before bed in place of a phone scroll. And meditation and one or two yoga stretches could also be grouped together. When I started grouping them it didn’t seem so daunting anymore. Surely I could find just 10 minutes a day for a quick workout?
I wrote these down and taped them next to the bathroom mirror and below put up my own calendar where I ticked things off daily as a way of holding myself accountable and getting a dopamine hit for ticking something off my list!
All of a sudden making time for myself in tiny chunks seemed more manageable. When Sylver would wake at 4:30 I would put him back to sleep but stay up myself, make a cup of tea and start writing. The 10 minutes of journaling time started to extend longer if he slept in.
The workout could happen at any time of the day. Sometime in the morning if the kids were playing well. Sometimes in the afternoon while I distracted them with TV. Sometimes at night if I got them to bed early enough and found time during the day.
The reading mostly happened before bed but sometimes I was so exhausted it didn’t happen at all. And the yoga pose I’d chosen was the one where you just lay on your back and put your feet up the wall. Doing it on my bed while listening to a guided meditation was maybe not the most authentic way to be practising but it didn’t matter. The point was that I was making time for myself.
This routine stuck with me for a few weeks solidly while Matt was away. Some days I didn’t get to tick off everything but I reminded myself there was always tomorrow. It wasn’t a strict ‘must do’ list more a list to remind me to make time for myself.
Once Matt returned things took on a different rhythm. So I adjusted slightly. Not long after, Sylver stopped going back to sleep and instead stayed awake. So another adjustment. My peaceful cup of tea became a cup of tea with a cuddle. And I taught Sylver to join me in my journalling time by giving him his own book and pens. He mostly just drew pictures of poo.
Over time and through going away, a lot of these 6 things have often turned into 3 things. I often work out which are the most vital for my sanity on a day-to-day basis. I’m now ready to switch my list up and make some changes to suit where I am now and what I need.
I share this to give hope to the mothers who are and have been in a similar position to me. When the grand statements of self-care and following your passions just seem too out of reach and unrealistic. I remember when I would get a moment to myself and I would panic. Walking from room to room. Picking up some sewing going to start a craft project or reading a parenting book. I was so anxious to make the most of my precious small amount of time while telling myself there wasn’t enough time, that I ended up doing nothing.
So maybe you have six small things you could do daily? Maybe you have three? The key to this working is choosing achievable things and that fit into your season of life. Things that will meet you where you are at. 1 year ago a 10-minute workout a day was too much for me and journaling was out of the question. If you're still breastfeeding then maybe that cup of tea is done with a morning feed while you stare out the window. Maybe it’s something you already do but if you have it on your list then you get to feel the achievement of ticking it off!!
And most importantly to change things when they are not working. If you go too big at the start it’s fine to narrow down your list. For me, I’ve found I now create the space for the things on my list that are giving me the most amount of joy and filling my cup. So then I know it’s time to switch my list up.
All I do know is that since doing this I’ve become far more creative with how I spend my time. I end the day feeling more fulfilled and I don’t walk around the house aimlessly anymore trying to fill in little gaps where I feel like I should be being ‘productive’.
Please comment if you have any other ideas along these lines of the small (key word being small) things you can do to fill your cup each day while still being deep in the throes of motherhood. And I’d love to hear back if anyone tries this.
Tansie
Yes!
“Turns out, having two young kids is still having two young kids no matter where you are. And those dreams vanished rather quickly.” Hahah this made me giggle.
Loved to read this! I relate to everything (2 under 3.5 at home with me full time).
It’s why I only write on my phone... naptime can get extended more than 20 minutes if it’s a contact nap 😅 cozier for both anyway so I’m happy with it 👏
I’ve done a very similar thing to you, but rather did “the vital one”. So I had one main goal for each day to focus on.
Ps. For quick exercise where you don’t need to think I love to follow Nicole moves Pilates classes on YouTube... she’s brilliant with short effective workouts
Xx